Everything is okay, I keep telling myself. After all, if we are looking for happiness, we should not search any further than our backyard. If it’s not there, it was never there in the first place.
Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay.
I’ve read somewhere that if we keep on telling ourselves we are in trouble and nothing is going well, then nothing is going well, because “everything is a matter of perception“.
I’ve also read that happy people are people with a purpose in life. A goal. A higher objective, that they live towards and make all life decisions based on this very goal.
Recently, I’ve felt like I didn’t have a purpose. But why didn’t I feel like this for the whole summer until the Friday before the last?
Up to that Friday, my purpose in life was to live through today. To spend a day nicely, survive, eat well, do something nice, and go to bed. Stick to the routine.
I was calm. That objective was pretty easy to fulfil.
But now, this is not enough. It’s gone past the 1st August and I have to make some serious decisions about next year. Am I taking a gap year, or am I going back to study at the University of Edinburgh?
Maybe I shouldn’t go back to study there, after all?
For the last few days, the thought that doesn’t want to leave my mind is “I shouldn’t have left Edinburgh in the first place. I shouldn’t have left my flat on 26th May, a week before my lease ended. I could’ve gotten a job over the summer, earned much more money, found myself a flat, gone somewhere nice for a vacation, gone to the counsellor, gotten my life together, and started uni again in September without any issues. I would’ve learnt how to cook and how to live on my own without being overdramatic about everything. And I would’ve known whether Edinburgh is actually a liveable city for me. Now I don’t have that possibility, it’s all done and gone, and I’ll never be happy again.”
Making mistakes sucks. Because they can bring you down and keep you there for a long, long time.
They are like a massive millstone round your neck. The millstone gets heavier and heavier every time you think about a mistake. The process goes like this:
- You think about the mistake.
- You regret making that mistake.
- You come up with all the things you could’ve done instead.
- You think “I was so stupid”.
- You feel so bad about yourself.
While the truth is that the only right thing you could do to remove that millstone is to do something positive. Do something that will change your life for the better. Even if it is just a small change.
Let’s say, in order to give my life more purpose, I’ll buy a plane ticket.
Then I have something to look forward to, and not rid myself of a chance of going back to university.
Or I’ll register at a workaway site. This way I give myself an option already to contact hosts and get more information about interesting vacancies.
Everything really is about taking one step at a time.
This short post was one step. And now it’s allwrite.