I may or may not have slept two hours last night and gotten up at 5am because I was sick of not sleeping so I just started my day super early. While it was still dark. For, like, the next two and a half hours. I was surprised by how long it took to get light outside. It was still pitch dark at 6am which I was not expecting (lol why wasn’t I? it’s still February), and is, well, interesting because on Sunday I need to get up before 5am to get the bus and get to Madeira Drive for 6am. The Brighton Half-Marathon organised by the Sussex Beacon is happening this Sunday and I’ll be helping at the volunteers’ tent, doing I don’t know what, but hopefully being useful in one way or another.
I am really struck by yesterday’s news of Russia attacking, like, dozens of civilian sites and military targets, ‘n things like that. I don’t have the lingo. Still, it really damn blows, of course. Not cool to have a war raging next door to you, and I’ll never understand why anyone would start a war against someone who didn’t attack you first – but I guess human brains work in different mysterious ways. Anyway, I don’t know why I couldn’t sleep last night – right now it’s a perfectly sunny Friday morning (though still chilly, ’cause it’s February), but yesterday I went all around Brighton so I’m waiting for a phone call now and later I’ll head into the shop where I volunteer. My body is aching and this is part of what made last night a nightmare. I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do next week (and from next week on), so that’s fine, at least I’ll get to play that game that’s a bit escapist where you do enough stuff to keep you from thinking that you’re destroying yourself, you know.
Anyway, I wish there were things I could do – there’s a sense of powerlessness when you hear really bad news and you finally remember that life is not as immaterial as technology makes it out to be (something that also happens when you’re physically ill, and can’t distract yourself from it) – we get all degrees but what can we do at the end of the day? Most of us go into internships and graduate schemes and consulting roles (whatever that means) to kick off our careers, but then it turns out you can’t do anything that’s actually important.
That’s the mental dump for today. I’m watching the news in the background today because I really liked living at my parents’ home and putting the TV on and doing something else while alone in the house. I like to be home alone, but I also like to have the TV on. I’m sure I’m not alone in this.